[ it's such a small, simple explanation but it still manages to break her heart, and her stare shows as much. her hand moves from his cheek down to his neck and she holds onto him, thumb running along his jawline now. she's not a stranger to what he's feeling, but it's certainly not on the same level, and she'd never try to compare the two. ]
I'm not implying that you do, or that I want to go, but... If at any point this is too much for you... I understand. No hard feelings ahead of time.
[ that has his eyes widening as they crash back up into hers, wet and impossibly vulnerable. slowly, he nods, not sure what he could say to that. he would have a hard time being alone after an admission like that, but he's used to being alone. she's talking about him wanting her to go though rather than her leaving and it's- considerate, in a way he never expected her to be. ]
Thank you. [ the words stick in his throat but he manages to push them out. his chest feels like there's an elephant sitting there and his eyes prick with that familiar sensation again. really, he's just barely holding it together. he pushes in until their bodies are flush, his chin on her shoulder and both arms around her middle. the second his face is buried in her hair the tears start to fall, and though it's completely silent he can't conceal the way his frame trembles. he gets up enough fortitude to murmur into her ear, only holding her tighter once it's out. ] But... don't go, okay?
[ it's probably manipulative, but he thinks about trying to sneak out of beth's apartment, he thinks about her in that hospital. he thinks about his baby girl, lisa, dead in his arms. there's so much carnage that follows him around. he just wants this one thing he touches to be okay. for jessica to be safe here, with him. ]
[ she listens to him and can feel her chest tighten up, suddenly overwhelmed with emotions. when he buries his face into her and she can feel that familiar crying she presses her lips together, unable to help her own eyes from pooling up. not only is seeing him like this incredibly devastating, but his request is something all too relatable for her: not wanting to be alone, and not wanting people to suffer because of them anymore.
her arms come to wrap around him and she pulls him close to her, holding tightly onto him. ] I'm not going anywhere, okay? No matter what. You never have to worry about that. [ even if she gets shot at, even if someone is dumb enough to come after her, even if she's just as scared as he is, she's there. ]
[ the harder she holds him, the more he cries, and the more he tries to stay quiet the less successful he actually is. that promise is... a lot. almost too much. frank kisses the side of her face and tries to calm himself down through sheer willpower alone. ]
Sorry... sorry. [ god he's a mess. and once he's done crying he's just left feeling so tired. his arms slacken their hold around her as he slowly starts breathing even again. ] You don't- you can't make me a promise like that, Jess. I don't expect you to.
[ she pushes her head back a bit to get a good look at him, resting her hands against his chest. he is a mess, but so is she and... somehow it works. she lets out a deep breath after all that, shaking her head after his apology, not accepting it. he didn't need to apologize for mourning, for being vulnerable. in fact, she could probably take a lesson or two in it.
she leans forward and offers a small kiss to his forehead, before facing him once more. ] I know. But it's not like I have anywhere better to be, so. [ there's a little smirk on her lips. ]
[ that tender kiss gets a dumb smile out of him as he ducks his head again and wipes at his eyes with the back of his wrist. ]
Man, that's sad. [ he admits with a watery little laugh. ] You're... a lot nicer than I thought you were.
[ it shouldn't be all that surprising, really. a lot of people including himself hide behind a tough persona. he doesn't dislike the front she puts on either, but seeing a softer side of her is all too welcome right now. frank presses his forehead against her collarbone and almost feels like he could just drop off right there, his exhaustion lapping him. ]
I dunno what I did to earn this, but I'll take it.
I just choked you during sex and you think I'm nice? [ she's trying not to outright deny him this moment, but it's so hard for her to feel like she deserves any praise or anything to make him feel that... that he "earned" it.
her arms wrap around him once more when he leans into her, and she rests her chin on the top of his head, closing her eyes. ] Just wait, Castle. There'll be a day where you'll regret the moment you laid your eyes on me. That's usually how these things go. [ it's a comment made in jest, but there's obviously some truth behind it all. ]
[ he laughs low and affected at that, though there's a tiny thrill that zips through his midsection at the reminder. his fist balls in the fabric of her tank top, hanging on as one leg works between hers to further entangle their bodies. ]
Only when I inevitably fuck this up. [ they're at least the same that way, it's easy to understand where she's coming from with a statement like that and he deflects it with his own self-loathing without thinking. ]
[ he gets his own laugh in return, fingertips stroking against his skin idly as she thinks how ridiculous that sounds after the night he had just given her. ] Is this before or after you feed and go down on me?
[ willingly she crosses her legs back over his, snuggling and settling in for the night. his body is so warm all the time, and in this moment all its doing is relaxing her, making her think about how she could probably fall asleep like this. ]
After. [ he answers drowsily, already starting to dip off. her touch against his skin is equally somniferous as a scent that's uniquely jessica fills his nostrils and relaxes him. ] I'm doing that again tomorrow.
[ both things, though he doesn't specify. his fist loosens in her clothing so his fingers can smooth back and forth across the thin strip of flesh exposed between her shirt and panties. in seconds he'll be out. ]
[ frank files that away though he has no presence of mind to respond now, content to drift off in her arms. he can't remember the last time he fell asleep so free and easy. he falls instantly into a deep sleep, body going heavy and still next to hers. it isn't long after rem starts up that his familiar dream begins. his breathing starts to quicken and his frame twitches against hers. he stays under but in clear distress, more hot tears rolling down his cheeks in response to what he's seeing behind his eyes. somehow, this experience is only compounded by her closeness, yet he only burrows closer to her rather than pull away. ]
[ it's not difficult for her to doze off, either. she doesn't hit as hard as he does but it's the quickest and most comfortable she's gone to sleep without help from an abundance of alcohol in a very long time.
she's immediately alerted with that first body twitch, but it's not enough to fully wake her until all her other senses start to realize what's happening: the heavy breathing, his burrowing. he's having a nightmare. ]
Frank? [ she whispers to him first, lifting her head up to look down at him. when he doesn't wake from it, it all but confirms her conclusion of what was happening with him. placing her hand on his shoulder she gives him a gentle shake, still whispering to him. ] Hey... I think you're having a bad dream.
[ that soft voice calling his name has the opposite effect, though he's trying to claw his way out of the terrors he's facing to meet back up with her. he jerks awake near violently at her jarring, however gentle, eyes blinking past the blood and carnage to make out her face. his memory hasn't caught up to the rest and he can only squint until he recognizes her. ]
Jessica?[ it's a whisper of his own as he springs back from her, realizing he's clutching hard enough to cut off an unenhanced person's breathing. ] Sorry, whatโย
[ he sits up some and scrubs a hand over his face before glancing over at his clock. 3 am, he should have known. ]
[ his violent awakening startles her, and she has to subdue her own fight or flight when she feels that added pressure to her rib cage. ] Frank--
[ his name is met back to her own, and when he sits up she just kind of lays there, not sure of how to respond or if she even should. her own hand comes to rub the side of her face as she props herself up on her elbow. ]
It--It's fine. [ there's a small break. ] Maybe next time tell the girl you're sleeping with you have night terrors. [ she easily could have punched him. not only is he not used to sleeping next to anyone, neither is she. ]
when she calms down she looks at him, noticing he's clearly distraught. maybe her last comment was a little insincere, but she can't help but feel like her being there... further triggered whatever just happened, so she doesn't reach out for him. ]
[ he gets his breathing back under control, one arm braced across his chest defensively as he swallows past unpleasant dryness in his throat. ]
You're right. [ yet again, he proved himself to be a shitty communicator, but he was hoping with her here he wouldn't have that same dream. naive, if not stupid. ] Well, now you know. Every morning, I get to lose 'em all over again.
[ one way or another. he glances over at her, eyes still wet, but there's something like gratitude lingering in them too. usually, this moment is horrifically lonely, but she's still here just like she promised. ]
I'm gonna... [ he needs a minute, but then he wants to soak up every waking moment he has with her. ] Do you need anything?
[ he never actually answered if he was okay, but he's obviously not, even as he leans over to kiss her forehead before leaping off the bed to take a lap around his tiny apartment. ]
[ somehow his kiss leaves her feeling worse, and she just watches him go without saying anything. instead, she pulls her knees up to her chest and pushes her hair behind her ears while glancing out the window. this is clearly something that happens to him often, but she still can't shake the feeling that her being there only made it worse or... if she wasn't there maybe he wouldn't have been so bad. she literally has no idea, but it's so ingrained in her brain that she fucks things up she just assumes she did, somehow.
the silence only makes her mind wander further, and she thinks about him and wonders how he can do it every night--how he even gets sleep, how he hasn't devolved into toxic coping habits like her own. she wants to get up, say something... let him know he's there but. maybe she should just hang back, let him work it out.
[ he stops in the bathroom, plugs in his dead phone in the living room without looking to see if he missed anything: he knows he didn't, then moves on to pour a glass of tap water. he drinks down half the glass, staring at those flowers as he refills it, then pours a second for jess even though she hadn't said anything. he starts a pot of coffee before making it back into the bedroom. he feels better for it, setting her water down before making it back around to his side. frank climbs properly under the blankets this time and props his head up on his elbow to watch her. ]
Sorry. [ for not telling her, for scaring her, for waking her up. all of the above. he can tell she's upset, though he isn't sure who at. probably herself, he knows that feeling all too well. his free hand reaches out to curl around her knee, eyes meeting hers gently as he silently pleads with her to come close again. ]
[ she catches a glimpse of his look, that same adorable pleading look he's given her numerous times over their last few visits, and she rocks herself forward once, before staring straight ahead back ahead. ]
Stop. [ it's the second time he's said it. here he is apologizing to her when he's the one who's just had the traumatic experience. she sounds annoyed when he does it, but it's focused at herself. ] Stop apologizing for something like that.
[ she's hesitant at first--mostly due to habit--but she slowly turns and pushes the back of her frame up against his in a spooning position. ]
Is it-- [ it's a stuttered start. she's not quite sure how to word it without coming of insincere or like she's trying to make it about herself, but she knows he can sense something is off. that's why he's apologizing, right? ] Does me being here make it worse?
[ his heart beats hard and fast against the back of her ribcage even as he wraps his arm around her securely, his other hand moving her hair off one shoulder so he can talk into her ear. it's difficult, but probably not for the reason she thinks. even this is a bit much, but as long as she's talking and he can hold her it's okay - he can convince himself she isn't maria even without looking at her face. ]
No... This is pretty much how it always is. [ maybe it's even worse, he's lost all objectivity over it. ] It's usually the same... three or four dreams? I should've warned you.
Edited (why can't i ever get pronouns) 2019-02-28 19:12 (UTC)
[ releasing a deep breath, her brows lower against her lids as he speaks to her. she knows from personal experience how real vivid dreams like that are, and instead of focusing on her own insecurities she just wants to make sure he knows she's not going anywhere, just like she said. ]
I used to have dreams for a long time. After Kilgrave. It was always about him controlling me again or what I did. [ no. she quickly corrects herself. ] What he made me do. [ her hand reaches around to grab a hold of his arm, idly stroking it as she talks through her own sensitive subject with him. ] I get it. I just wanted to make sure... [ she lips her lips briefly. ] I don't want to make it worse for you. [ she hopes he'd tell her. ]
[ he listens carefully, curling closer when she grabs hold of his arm. just the name is enough to make his blood boil, and he nods at her own self-correction. that's right - she didn't do anything wrong. frank kisses the side of her face and nudges his nose in against her cheek to stay. ]
I know you get it. [ but it helps when she confirms it anyway. in so many ways, their traumas are the same. they were forced to do things they didn't understand and ended up paying the ultimate price. ] But I can't explain- it's not worse, it's not. It just might take a while.
[ for his brain to fill her in instead of maria, next to him. ]
[ she doesn't necessarily understand it, but she settles on not needing to as long as she takes his word for it. he doesn't seem like he would lie, not about something like this.
it shouldn't but that last part makes her laugh through her nose a bit as she settles into him. ] "A while," huh? You think I'll be around that long?
I guess I did, didn't I. [ it's still a weird thing to hear, though. ] Is it too late to change my mind?
[ she pulls away from him now to roll around and stare at him once more, grabbing one of his hands and putting it on her hip where he usually sets it. ] How do you want to handle it going forward?
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I'm not implying that you do, or that I want to go, but... If at any point this is too much for you... I understand. No hard feelings ahead of time.
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Thank you. [ the words stick in his throat but he manages to push them out. his chest feels like there's an elephant sitting there and his eyes prick with that familiar sensation again. really, he's just barely holding it together. he pushes in until their bodies are flush, his chin on her shoulder and both arms around her middle. the second his face is buried in her hair the tears start to fall, and though it's completely silent he can't conceal the way his frame trembles. he gets up enough fortitude to murmur into her ear, only holding her tighter once it's out. ] But... don't go, okay?
[ it's probably manipulative, but he thinks about trying to sneak out of beth's apartment, he thinks about her in that hospital. he thinks about his baby girl, lisa, dead in his arms. there's so much carnage that follows him around. he just wants this one thing he touches to be okay. for jessica to be safe here, with him. ]
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her arms come to wrap around him and she pulls him close to her, holding tightly onto him. ] I'm not going anywhere, okay? No matter what. You never have to worry about that. [ even if she gets shot at, even if someone is dumb enough to come after her, even if she's just as scared as he is, she's there. ]
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Sorry... sorry. [ god he's a mess. and once he's done crying he's just left feeling so tired. his arms slacken their hold around her as he slowly starts breathing even again. ] You don't- you can't make me a promise like that, Jess. I don't expect you to.
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she leans forward and offers a small kiss to his forehead, before facing him once more. ] I know. But it's not like I have anywhere better to be, so. [ there's a little smirk on her lips. ]
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Man, that's sad. [ he admits with a watery little laugh. ] You're... a lot nicer than I thought you were.
[ it shouldn't be all that surprising, really. a lot of people including himself hide behind a tough persona. he doesn't dislike the front she puts on either, but seeing a softer side of her is all too welcome right now. frank presses his forehead against her collarbone and almost feels like he could just drop off right there, his exhaustion lapping him. ]
I dunno what I did to earn this, but I'll take it.
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her arms wrap around him once more when he leans into her, and she rests her chin on the top of his head, closing her eyes. ] Just wait, Castle. There'll be a day where you'll regret the moment you laid your eyes on me. That's usually how these things go. [ it's a comment made in jest, but there's obviously some truth behind it all. ]
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Only when I inevitably fuck this up. [ they're at least the same that way, it's easy to understand where she's coming from with a statement like that and he deflects it with his own self-loathing without thinking. ]
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[ willingly she crosses her legs back over his, snuggling and settling in for the night. his body is so warm all the time, and in this moment all its doing is relaxing her, making her think about how she could probably fall asleep like this. ]
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[ both things, though he doesn't specify. his fist loosens in her clothing so his fingers can smooth back and forth across the thin strip of flesh exposed between her shirt and panties. in seconds he'll be out. ]
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she's immediately alerted with that first body twitch, but it's not enough to fully wake her until all her other senses start to realize what's happening: the heavy breathing, his burrowing. he's having a nightmare. ]
Frank? [ she whispers to him first, lifting her head up to look down at him. when he doesn't wake from it, it all but confirms her conclusion of what was happening with him. placing her hand on his shoulder she gives him a gentle shake, still whispering to him. ] Hey... I think you're having a bad dream.
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Jessica? [ it's a whisper of his own as he springs back from her, realizing he's clutching hard enough to cut off an unenhanced person's breathing. ] Sorry, whatโย
[ he sits up some and scrubs a hand over his face before glancing over at his clock. 3 am, he should have known. ]
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[ his name is met back to her own, and when he sits up she just kind of lays there, not sure of how to respond or if she even should. her own hand comes to rub the side of her face as she props herself up on her elbow. ]
It--It's fine. [ there's a small break. ] Maybe next time tell the girl you're sleeping with you have night terrors. [ she easily could have punched him. not only is he not used to sleeping next to anyone, neither is she. ]
when she calms down she looks at him, noticing he's clearly distraught. maybe her last comment was a little insincere, but she can't help but feel like her being there... further triggered whatever just happened, so she doesn't reach out for him. ]
You okay? You... Wanna talk about it?
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You're right. [ yet again, he proved himself to be a shitty communicator, but he was hoping with her here he wouldn't have that same dream. naive, if not stupid. ] Well, now you know. Every morning, I get to lose 'em all over again.
[ one way or another. he glances over at her, eyes still wet, but there's something like gratitude lingering in them too. usually, this moment is horrifically lonely, but she's still here just like she promised. ]
I'm gonna... [ he needs a minute, but then he wants to soak up every waking moment he has with her. ] Do you need anything?
[ he never actually answered if he was okay, but he's obviously not, even as he leans over to kiss her forehead before leaping off the bed to take a lap around his tiny apartment. ]
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the silence only makes her mind wander further, and she thinks about him and wonders how he can do it every night--how he even gets sleep, how he hasn't devolved into toxic coping habits like her own. she wants to get up, say something... let him know he's there but. maybe she should just hang back, let him work it out.
they're both just so incredibly broken. ]
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Sorry. [ for not telling her, for scaring her, for waking her up. all of the above. he can tell she's upset, though he isn't sure who at. probably herself, he knows that feeling all too well. his free hand reaches out to curl around her knee, eyes meeting hers gently as he silently pleads with her to come close again. ]
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Stop. [ it's the second time he's said it. here he is apologizing to her when he's the one who's just had the traumatic experience. she sounds annoyed when he does it, but it's focused at herself. ] Stop apologizing for something like that.
[ she's hesitant at first--mostly due to habit--but she slowly turns and pushes the back of her frame up against his in a spooning position. ]
Is it-- [ it's a stuttered start. she's not quite sure how to word it without coming of insincere or like she's trying to make it about herself, but she knows he can sense something is off. that's why he's apologizing, right? ] Does me being here make it worse?
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No... This is pretty much how it always is. [ maybe it's even worse, he's lost all objectivity over it. ] It's usually the same... three or four dreams? I should've warned you.
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I used to have dreams for a long time. After Kilgrave. It was always about him controlling me again or what I did. [ no. she quickly corrects herself. ] What he made me do. [ her hand reaches around to grab a hold of his arm, idly stroking it as she talks through her own sensitive subject with him. ] I get it. I just wanted to make sure... [ she lips her lips briefly. ] I don't want to make it worse for you. [ she hopes he'd tell her. ]
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I know you get it. [ but it helps when she confirms it anyway. in so many ways, their traumas are the same. they were forced to do things they didn't understand and ended up paying the ultimate price. ] But I can't explain- it's not worse, it's not. It just might take a while.
[ for his brain to fill her in instead of maria, next to him. ]
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it shouldn't but that last part makes her laugh through her nose a bit as she settles into him. ] "A while," huh? You think I'll be around that long?
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You said you weren't goin' anywhere.
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[ she pulls away from him now to roll around and stare at him once more, grabbing one of his hands and putting it on her hip where he usually sets it. ] How do you want to handle it going forward?
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