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ca$h hotdog🌭 ([personal profile] oorah) wrote2020-01-10 10:05 am

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underachievement: i have seasonal affective disorder! (i'm sick!)

[personal profile] underachievement 2018-01-12 05:02 pm (UTC)(link)
[ by the time he starts milling about, cluttering the silence with gentle clinks and thuds, the whiskey bottle is lying drained on its side and she has turned over to stare at the rum bottle, within reaching distance. after it goes on for a while, she fools herself into thinking it's Malcolm, who has been known to sneak quietly in and replace a grocery or two (often peanut butter) and straighten a couple things out while he's there. insomnia is what keeps her awake but the noise doesn't hurt, punctuating the monotony of her repetitive non-thoughts.

it's just a series of questions, shuffled and droned over and over again to the point that they might as well be nonsense. in her head, the question mark has worn out its inflection and it plays like one long, never-ending run-on sentence. How much of her is an inkblot of his dead wife? How can she claim that it matters? Were those flowers of his bought in her memory? Did he let them die to sharpen the distinction between her and Maria or to dull it? If he's using her for that, what is she using him for? And if she's not using him, and he's not using her, where does that leave them? And with what?

eventually the noises die away and Jess catches up to the silence when her tongue runs dry. she wades into it with a mouthful of rum and the same track playing in her head. she's been sick of it for hours but sticks to it stubbornly when memories trickle in, of Frank lying beside her, of him straining underneath her, of him saying her name in full, which he never did, of a body collapsing on top of her and caging her under it with weak arms that never let go. then, the ceaselessly tangled string of questions is pulled over almost like a blanket or a pillow in which to smother herself. a couple of times, her eyes sink leadenly behind her eyelids, but something primitive in her must know she's not alone so she mercifully doesn't sleep.

after several long hours and no time at all, the room begins to lighten as day breaks. a shot or two remains in the rum bottle; Jess takes it with her into the bathroom, drinks it on the toilet and tosses it in the trash for her environmentally conscious assistant to fish out later. she stays in the shower a long time, wondering if Frank will be gone when she gets out. it's difficult to get going, actually washing her hair and body, but once she starts, the tasks sort of carry themselves out, and then her biggest obstacle is shutting the water off. as if an entire day or week in there would make her feel any cleaner. it's stupid and all she can do is tell herself it's stupid until the short supply of hot water ushers her out. she wraps a towel around her chest and goes directly from the bathroom to the kitchen to put on coffee. for however long it's hot, it might steam away the layer of grime she still feels between her skin and the water drying on it.

strung out on her own uninterrupted bullshit, Jess doesn't know if it's waking or dream logic that keeps her from entering her living room in the hope that her denial itself will render it empty. ]
underachievement: (al jarreau once had a song)

[personal profile] underachievement 2018-01-12 05:55 pm (UTC)(link)
[ Jess takes out one clean mug for herself and then roots around for any liquor she might have lying around in a drawer or cupboard. she checks the fridge as well but no dice. the kitchen is typically the last place her alcohol can be found so it's no surprise. she has until the coffee finishes percolating to peek into the living room, so she stands there and watches it, still finding it simple to become entirely absorbed in one basic accomplishment.

she hears Frank scuff his way along the floor, giving her a heads up as he approaches. Did he sleep? it's the first question in her head to sound like one in hours and it reminds her how tired she is and that she could have filled these hours trying to think of a solution instead of fixating on herself as the problem. her stare stays glued to the dark water dripping into the carafe. ]
Hi.
underachievement: me and laraine are dinosaur bones (calm down big guy)

[personal profile] underachievement 2018-01-12 06:45 pm (UTC)(link)
[ she can't guess at what the point of that will be for him nor summon the will to care. the last time they talked about coffee they were lying in bed. Jess knew then that nothing would get easier. she knew she would hate herself for being a coward in the moment and not telling him so outright. on point as usual, past Jess. ]

Okay. [ he'll put himself through whatever he wants to, always does. he can have the first pour then. Jess turns on her heel, headed back to her room; she checks the state of him in her periphery, too quickly to learn anything. ducking into the bathroom to grab her jeans, she tosses her towel over the bathtub rim and crosses to her room naked. getting dressed is a sloppy process, drunk and out of it. once she's done, or mostly, her tank top still rolled up above her back with the fibres stuck to her damp shoulder blades, Jess stops in the bedroom doorway and rests her head to the jamb.

the coffee smells pungently cheap and pleasant. it bolsters her from her spot, where she could probably fall asleep standing, and gets her trudging back to the kitchen and then into her office, cup in hand. like a sack of shit, she drops into her chair. she flips open her laptop screen and starts pulling open desk drawers in search of liquor that she doesn't quite need yet. what she needs is to do her goddamn job, even when it's just deleting old photos of other peoples' lives. idiots and saps that she universally loathes, any of whom she would trade places with in a heartbeat this morning. ]
underachievement: the position has been filled, by women. your services are no longer required (guess what men?)

[personal profile] underachievement 2018-01-13 02:47 am (UTC)(link)
That's what the coffee's for. [ It ought to trick her stomach into shutting up for another thirty minutes or full hour. surely, by then he'll have left, and then she can sleep through the hunger. maybe when she wakes up, she'll feel like dealing with it. Jess is too tired to get or not get why he's still there, lazily assuming he's mocking up a domestic scene for himself. trying to make amends after a night on the couch. he didn't do anything wrong.

rather than tell him that, she hunkers down in front of her computer and swipes at the track pad until the screen comes to life. the top window is the preview she left open of a man and his mistress at dinner. Jess hits delete and starts to highlight any similar-looking thumbnails as she rests heavily back in her chair. he is now officially bothering her at work. ]
underachievement: (you slippery lil tiny smuckers jellyfish)

[personal profile] underachievement 2018-01-14 04:19 am (UTC)(link)
[ after that, Jess puts all her waking hours into work to best budget the bender she throws herself into in her off hours. it has nothing to do with him except that he may have postponed it for her by a day or two. she's reluctant to give him that much power. between binging, investigating, and avoiding conversation with Trish by any means necessary, she successfully forgets about Frank throughout her day, whatever odd and scattered hours it overtakes. at night, however, both men are there.

within a week, she's worn thin, but it's another several days before she snaps at her sister over the phone. it's hard to remember what it was she said that was over the line when she was scrambling for anything within reach. Trish threatened to come down and five minutes later Jess was already a block away from her building, headed away from Manhattan. all her pre-gaming convinces her that the dive bar by the diner is the place to haunt. three hours before last call, they're exorcising her from the grounds by force. she doesn't presently remember how she started that either but she's certain she did.

she pulls out her phone to check the time and immediately pockets it again without doing so, unnerved by the amount of notifications dominating the lock screen. she turns it off, too, and then ambles to the diner only to be refused service for coming in with an open bottle that followed her out of the bar and ended up in her hand. it's her only consolation considering she was sort of planning to sleep in one of the corner booths. her sister is no less stubborn than her and Jess won't put it past her to be staking the place out. if nothing else, she'll return first thing in the morning.

the fact that it's too cold to plant her ass on the sidewalk and nod off is all that prevents her from doing it. despite not knowing the hour, she's acutely aware that she's due for sleep in a couple hours at most, and only a few more hours after that, she will be seeing Frank anyway. she's sufficiently drunk not to wonder if Maria ever showed up shitwrecked with a bottle of O'Harren's she didn't plan on sharing. ]
underachievement: and any spare doors at the entrance (leave your weapons at the door)

[personal profile] underachievement 2018-01-14 05:32 am (UTC)(link)
[ shoulders furled in and nose ducked into her scarf, the wind picking up has forced her to huddle against it. it glances right off her jacket but seeps through her jeans and her cheap gloves, and over the snowy gusts, she can't hear his sneaky ass stir. the light is off so he is either asleep or out and to her knowledge, he doesn't have anywhere to go. her shifting from foot to foot to keep warm turns into a tired, drunken sway before he finally opens up and she's just as quickly yanked inside. ]

Whoa, hey. [ she shakes him off without being certain of her footing but manages to face him with relative composure. if relative is hair strewn all over her face that's gone pink from walking headlong into the gathering bluster to get there. (it is.) ] Just pretend I'm not here, okay?
underachievement: if you don't shut up about crossfit (i swear to god)

[personal profile] underachievement 2018-01-14 05:59 am (UTC)(link)
I know. [ he'll live on scraps, seeing as that's what she gives him. She's definitely done hoarding the brunt of that responsibility. he likes it vicious so no wonder her handful of half-hearted attempts to warn him off universally backfired. Jess sighs, stepping towards the wall and meeting it first with her hand, then her shoulder, then her back. she slides down to the floor with a soft thump and lets her legs fall straight in front of her. setting her bottle on the ground, she cups her hands together, tucking her fingertips between her palms to warm them up. ]
underachievement: The water you're in right now is like 000.002% cum, you'll never be clean again. (Have a good bath)

[personal profile] underachievement 2018-01-14 06:42 am (UTC)(link)
No.

[ yes. but if she shuts her eyes, the room somehow spins more wildly than when she's actually looking at it and disturbing the liquid contents of her stomach is sure to send them back up. it's best to stay upright for now. with a temporary handle on the room's orientation, she looks over to him, from his knees at her eye level and then up to his goddamn open book of a face. oh right, she's putting him out. ]

Go back to sled-- to bed. Take the bed.
underachievement: it's all fun and games until some wallstreet broker pours honey into your vagina my mother was a very specific woman (reminds me of what my mom used to say)

[personal profile] underachievement 2018-01-14 06:57 am (UTC)(link)
[ coffee sounds fucking great. asshole. Jess leans her head against the wall and keeps her eyes on the spot he was standing, watching thoughts partially form, disperse, and their remnants do the same. or those are the usual spots and blurs in her vision that she's accustomed to ignoring 99% of the time. yeah, it's too pretty a distraction to be the former.

once her fingertips are no warmer than the rest of her hands, she peels off her gloves and vigorously rubs them together. it's dull and dizzying to watch and her gaze wanders over to his bed. unmade, it reminds her he was tucked into it a minute ago. it's a piece of crap, one step up from a cot, and it looks nefariously inviting with the blanket thrown back. Jess grabs her liquor by the neck and drowns the urge to go and rest her head on it. ]
underachievement: living on garbage island (we are garbage people)

[personal profile] underachievement 2018-01-14 07:21 am (UTC)(link)
[ she makes a game of guessing what he's doing depending on the sounds that come from the kitchen. in the long pause where it's only the drip of water filtering through the grounds, she works her jacket off without ever fully sitting up. the friction from her inelegant wiggling crams her scarf full of static that crackles when she pulls it free of her hair. by the time they're in a pile beside her, she feels more heated from the struggle than the room. hairs are still adhering to her fingers with mild electricity as she swipes them from her cheeks and mouth. ]

Decaf? [ she asks instead of thanking him, grateful as she is. really more grateful than a cup of coffee should make her feel but the coffee's all she's capable of looking at right this second, so it's the coffee's fault. for how much she missed the coffee. ]
underachievement: as a controlled powerfall (it wasn't so much a wipeout)

[personal profile] underachievement 2018-01-14 07:35 am (UTC)(link)
[ she was kidding, or maybe she wasn't. she ventures a glance at his window but can't suss shit from the deep grey of snow plummeting through smog. it's night, that's for sure, the same one as the last time she checked, and that's not nothing. ]

What time is it? [ Jess finds the handle of the mug and slips her fingers through, covering the top with her other hand so the steam beats against her palm. ]
underachievement: halfway up the mountain with a box of donuts and a full burqa (there i was)

[personal profile] underachievement 2018-01-14 07:50 am (UTC)(link)
[ she cringes gently, not at the data but at his delivery of it. at least there wasn't an "oh" in front of it. ]

What? [ she heard and understood him perfectly. it's a stalling tactic to get her words in order, try and prevent them from skidding into each other ] No. Fighting with my sister.

[ who shouldn't be driving home in this weather anyway so now Jess is starting to hope she is there, as obnoxious and overbearing as it would be. ]
underachievement: i don't wanna have a science talk right now (fella)

[personal profile] underachievement 2018-01-14 08:13 am (UTC)(link)
[ how did he not know that? what a shit P.I. he'd make. she can almost work up something like a smile over it. thankfully, he takes care of that with his next comment. he's right, jagoff. Trish is probably asleep but there's every chance she's not, considering the hell Jess had to put her through when she went missing. reluctantly, Jess digs around in her jacket until she hits upon the right pocket, then retrieves her phone and tosses it the short distance to him. ]

You do it. [ her head lolls his way. ] Don't say who it is. I don't need you two talking to each other.

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