[ It takes her a while to be able to feel him, blotting away her tears with his mouth and brushing warmth into her back with his hands. Her headache persists, along with shivers of exhaustion and her stubborn grip. Her breath shudders at the base of his throat, the skin that touches her lips soaked in her same sweat. Her tongue works against the roof of her mouth as Jess finds it difficult to swallow. After a couple seconds, she manages.
She is reluctant to move, even to drink. That would be admitting a world exists outside of their living corpses, back the way they came. She wants to keep running away and nothing will stop her once her boots hit the ground. Jess closes her eyes, sating herself with the vow that as soon as she wakes up, she'll get packing. If she falls asleep at all. No sane part of her wants to, considering where it always ends, but she craves the dead space that precedes the nightmares. It's her (heavy use of sarcastic airquotes) "safe space". ]
[ he's as much afraid of the same result if she falls back asleep, or worse: that it will be his turn to spiral out and she'll have to take care of him. that is if she even wants to. frank knows how tired she is of saving everyone, she's earned the rest. he shifts onto his back in an invitation for her to use him as a pillow, an almost-audible sigh leaving his lips when the shift earns another tug to his scalp. he can't think of her that way, not with her so close; and not at all. not when he knows what she's been through. he can live in denial as long as she's (relative term) okay.
frank closes his eyes though no part of him is sleepy anymore. he merely longs for the blackness in the same way that she does -- a reprieve from his thoughts and fears for even two hours would be heaven. instead he's obnoxiously present in this moment, his fingers rubbing firmly down her arm now as he buries his face in her hair. he has no concern for how much they both need showers now, since those had been a pipedream months ago and long since forgotten anyway. his being near her is compulsory now, winding a calf around hers to anchor them both here. ]
[ She unwinds as necessary, keeping his head cradled in her hand as the rest of her settles on top of him. A cool flush of shame washes down her body before settling like silt, further swaying her towards sleep. Jess visualizes numbers pulsing faintly with his heartbeat, glowing darker and darker, dimmer and dimmer until she finally stops shaking.
The pitter-patter of raindrops on the tarp around them jostles her awake before REM has a chance to fuck with her a second time. Nonetheless, Jess drinks in his solid muscle and safe heat wherever they press together: calf, thigh, stomach, chest. She can't feel one arm from the odd angle she slept on it, sort of not really wedged between them, but the other is still slung loose around his neck. Jess resists the groggy urge to whet her senses on him, drag her fingertips over to his skin, apprehensive it will sharpen her recall of the previous night -- or earlier morning. And make it harder to ignore she's thirstier than hell. ]
[ he isn't sure how, but somehow he's lulled back to sleep. probably by her warm and pleasant weight. the rain has the opposite effect on frank, and he's having a hard time pulling himself back into waking though he's acutely aware of her now. each place they touch is searing hot, his breath thready and wanting against her ear. he doesn't intend any of it, not even the way his body starts to react to their proximity in the early morning, something that doesn't register in his mind as he dozes on. all he wants is to somehow be closer to her, even if that's a near impossibility, but one broad hand drags down to palm her waist in a way that's less than subtle.
even asleep he appreciates the way they fit. not to mention, it's much easier to ignore all the reasons they shouldn't do this when he isn't fully conscious. very slowly, her stirring is starting to bring him around, a tiny smile gripping his lips in a twitch as the rain slowly filters in past the veil too. raindays were sacred, and he cherished each and every one. as the last of the pleasant warmth leeches from his body and releases him into the waking world, frank hears a voice ringing loud and clear as day into his ear. "Morning, sleepyhead.." it's what finally gets to him, that brief smile dropping as he jerks away from her in a more reactionary way than he'd meant to.
it's just jess, his inner voice soothes. and then - wait for it - jess? what is she...? and then, finally, he starts to recognize what state he's in, their thighs still pressed tightly together so he knows she couldn't have missed it. his eyes light on hers in brief panic, knowing she'd let him pull away entirely, but a stubborn part of himself wants to remain. to see what she'll do with that information. it's not like she didn't already know he was attracted to her before, right? maybe it doesn't have to be as weird as he's building it up to be. ]
[ She hears his breathing change and feels him slowly harden against her but continues to languish in the darkness behind her eyelids. It would take a higher opinion than she has of herself to assume it's anything to do with her, aside from her body satisfying a craving in his mind too risky to express. She sighs contentedly when he sleepily grabs her by her middle though promises wordlessly not to let it go farther.
Something in Frank nonetheless hears and he snaps to agreement, jarring her weight onto her sleeping arm so that she has to grip him to keep from falling onto her back. Her head dips down and Jess rubs at her eyes with the back of her wrist, a lot more perturbed by his jolt of revulsion than the evidence of his imagined attraction. Her throat cracks when she opens her mouth to apologize. (She expected to decide how sarcastically in the moment.) Instead, she wets her lips and shuts her mouth. All the liquid in her brain is still sloshing around too hard when she moves her head, or she would sit up and grab the whiskey. ]
[ it's frank who feels compelled to apologize, but he doesn't, still staring at her in stunned stupefaction. he shifts his hips back away from her, but when she grabs on so does he, realizing he'd thrown her off balance and wanting to correct it somehow. it's hard to meet her eyes from this close, though, and it's stalling his breathing all over again, calloused fingers catching her bare skin where her shirt had ridden up in sleep. the fear remains in his expression, open and easily read, but then he's remembering last night and everything that came before. no one knows where they are, which makes this rainday theirs to squander as selfishly as they choose. that's oddly appealing for a guy who singlehandedly adopted an entire town. ]
I-- [ his voice cracks, raspy and broken as he lets it drop there. rather than try to say anything, he rests his temple against hers and tries to get his bearings. his ankle catches and hooks on hers and he tries to start breathing normally again, talking his anatomy down to the best of his ability. ]
[ She's not responsible for who or what he dreams about so he has no right to be repulsed by the reality he ends up with but Jess is still softly shaken by his lack of rejection. Instead of easing her off or away from him, he maintains the intimacy they woke up to. Most of it.
Her shoulders crumple, the whisper of rainfall lulling away the drive she had last night. If they left any tracks or scents that could be picked up, it will stamp them out on the earth. They could stay here, if they were lovers. For an hour or two, if nothing else. Jess doesn't know if he wants that from her or what the word means to him to begin with. But he can do definitely better than someone who can't promise to be with him except for moment by moment, exploiting the ones she does have. In this one, she simply does what she knows she wants and nuzzles bluntly against him, nosing at his cheek. Her grip on his shirt remains steady and so does she. ]
[ he releases a tiny noise at the nuzzle, so well-trained to when to make noise that it isn't even a thought to muffle himself now; though he's immediately embarrassed by it all the same. his thoughts are tracking dangerously close to hers now, as much as he pretends not to be a simple human man it's reminders like this he sorely doesn't need. micro's words echo in obnoxious resonating clarity: did you tell her you don't want to hook up? frank bites into his lips as surely as his fingertips bite into her sides, not wholly sure he has to strength to resist her now. but he has to, he knows he does. ]
Jessica... [ it's just as embarrassing and ridiculously breathy in quality, but at least he got it out. it's the rest of the words that he has to convince now. except while he's still mulling them over, he can't resist the urge to brush a soft, tender kiss against the rise of her cheek. ]
[ Jess is struck prone by the caress of his lips, as different as night and day to the kisses he showered her in before she cried herself back to sleep. Not so different that she isn't reminded. She decided weeks back that if he developed feelings for her, bully for him. It's paranoid to think he has them already. And why would that change shit? Not rhetorical.
With a relenting sigh, her grasp is flattened against him, palm to his collar. Jess leans back to give him the space he needs to continue, though she can't provide much without losing balance. She forces herself to look at him, and maybe it's the hangover, or that she has nothing to lose anymore, but it isn't as hard as it usually is. ]
[ his heart pounds fast against his chest, knowing she'll feel it when she presses her hand there. but he's grateful for the distance, even when the eye contact feels like an assault, her eyes crashing into his before he can even think to put defenses up. frank wets his lips and forces himself to look at her, too, though his gaze is less solid by design. ]
I don't want to... [ hook up. it sounds so juvenile. he can't force the phrase past his lips. can't he just go back to holding her and pretend it doesn't mean anything despite the way his heartbeat quickens impossibly even now? ] With you.
[ which sounded less like a rejection in his head, and now he just looks perplexed by the way it had come out. he shakes his head, trying to walk it back, but he isn't sure how to replace the words when they're true to a fault. ]
Sorry, nevermind. I know you don't care. [ about me. he didn't want her to, did he? he feels stupid, like when he played that song in the park and maria had heard. he cares what she thinks of him, he always has. one hand has slid to the small of her back, keeping her from slipping, or at least that's his convenient excuse for the proprietary tinge the action holds. ]
[ Jess can fill in the blank pretty easily and she tries to hide her confusion the second she feels it. He didn't kiss her with the fervor of a friend back in Reims and he's not holding her like one now. But he draws the line at sex and Jess, operating automatically upon the worst conceived scenario, assumes it's because of what Kilgrave did to her. Horse shit misplaced chivalry over personal revulsion but both pay her the respect of a stab in the gut. Her heart drops into her stomach, her arm to the narrow space between them.
His backpedaling is meaningless chatter. She doesn't care what people think. That's true, or she'd have told them all she did her half-assed best to kill herself, honest. Apparently she cares what he thinks beyond his blind acquiescence to any plan she declares necessary, and talk about the crappiest way to find out. Then again, there's thinking about someone, and then there's secretly reducing them to their victimhood throughout the course of your acquaintance. ]
-kay.
[ No sound escapes the dry, sticky cavern of her throat at first, but the second syllable scrapes past, barely audible. Since she's already nauseous, Jess starts to gather herself, pushing off the bedroll. She lets the fluids in her brain and stomach level out again before shifting forward to grab her boots and jam them on, then the whiskey bottle as she crawls out into the rain. ]
[ it's all happening too fast for him to process, but he sees the moment he fucks up clearly reflected back in her eyes. he isn't quick enough to grab her and he knows he's not strong enough to hold her if she wants to go, but the urge is there anyway, and long after she's gone. it's only seconds after she storms out that he manages to swim through the fugue and back into his body properly, sitting up and throwing blankets away from himself in frustration. so much for vacation. frank takes the time to strap on his knife and secure his boots, knowing she needs a moment to cool down anyway. though what she's even angry about this time is anyone's guess. she doesn't give a shit about what he says, and yet somehow it's always the wrong thing anyway. his luck is truly boundless.
frank digs through his pack for his jacket, pulling the hood over his face first before buttoning it closed. and then he's going for the flask he squirreled away, taking a swig from it before pocketing it and hunching his way back to the entrance of the tent so he can find her. the whole process takes maybe a minute, but he feels like he's moving in slow motion, and like he'll never catch up. he's lost her forever, surely, and the thought fills him with unencumbered dread.
the rain is cool and fresh on his skin, even comforting after a longer dry spell than usual. he blinks it out of his eyes to keep them peeled for any sign of her, not noticing the deep creases in his face that display his worry all too clearly. ] Jess? [ he calls above the growing confidence of the rain's din all around them, turning this way and that to catch a glimpse of black hair, ears pricked for the slosh of a bottle or the stomp of her boots. ]
[ Jess drinks until her mouth is seared clean and her throat coated, stopping only to conserve the rest. She finds and throws on her jacket and her pack and has a last look around for any odds and ends that might be hers. Nothing, so she starts off in the direction with the least dense treeline and is immediately unsatisfied with the mollifying vow she makes to herself that she doesn't need him anymore. She can only stomp so hard or so fast before she'll have to stop and heave, so she takes measured steps with furiously clenched fists, and helplessly reasons through why he's dead to her.
Not least of which is that he let her kiss him in that dumbass treehouse he probably built. It doesn't make any sense, if he values the ideal of protecting her so goddamn much. Unless he thought rejecting her would hurt her more, in which case he chose the path of least resistance for "her" wellbeing. Did he ever want her at all then? Did he think she wanted to use him to that extent even if he didn't?
A branch snags on her hair, not for the first time, but Jess snaps and rips the branch down with barely a grunt. When no monster zooms in to sweep her back into Kevin's arms, she kicks it to halves and it's his ribs splintering all over her boots. ]
[ it's the twig snap that does it, and he beelines to the noise, stomach twisting into knots as he hears her kick the ground. he isn't afraid of her wrath - well, maybe a little - so much as he wants to tear himself in two for hurting her. in his defense, he didn't even know he could, and he still doesn't even know why it's possible.
when he appears it's with heaving breath, heart pounding fast as he struggles to draw oxygen back into his lungs. when he catches sight of her at last, he takes in the familiar scene. it's almost comforting for how expected it is. if only he could stop pissing her off instead, that would be a much more productive way to spend the rain time. ]
Jessica, please... [ hear him out? even if he really sucks at talking, he knows it's Time. he steels himself to prepare for how seriously dumb and dramatic this confession is going to taste. ] Stay.
Edited (reprises my one letter edit street name) 2018-05-07 06:20 (UTC)
[ She stalks away from the scene of her aggression, consumed with memories of violence, real and fantasized. Her eyes prickle hotly from all the fury and anguish she has no choice but to live with. He catches up to her but she can't stop moving. Or think of anything cuttingly brusque to say, just crowds and clusterfucks of words that are too revealing normally, let alone under the toxic shadow of her Ongoing Traumatic Stress Disorder.
If he can keep up, he can talk. He can see her fists, he knows the risks. ]
[ he pulls in another deep breath, ignoring the way it makes his lungs burn. he wishes he had time for a gulp of whiskey, but here goes literally nothing. he pushes himself to walk at her pace, eyes zeroing in on the tension in her frame and those deadly clenched fists. even now it's a struggle not to admire her, when the brunt of her aggression is placed squarely on his shoulders. but it doesn't make it easier no matter what he does and his head tips up to gauge how loud he can be, fat droplets of water catching in his eyelashes with the move. ]
I'm sorry. [ he should really start there because he is, for literally all of it. witnessing her murder, making her a sandwich, giving her his jacket, saving faith, saving kara. there's literally nothing he isn't sorry for, up to and including getting so wrapped up in every kid's life here that he's indistinguishable from the lot of them. but all of that is easily pushed aside for easily the worst offense. frank bites into his lip harshly and tries to think of the least dumb way to just blurt it out, because he doesn't have much air and she doesn't have any patience left, so he knows he has to be fast. ] I think I-- [ it's not a nebulous maybe anymore and he shoves the wording aside, knowing him being wishy-washy won't do them any favors. this is it. he's just going to say it. god, but he feels dumb. ]
I have feelings for you. [ and once it's out in the bluntness of day - he selfishly feels better. he doesn't have any delusions that he will for long, but he really wasn't sure he'd be able to say it. right now at least he doesn't have to worry about her rejection or ridicule. she's already livid so it isn't like he can make it worse (right???) and besides, a side of him would seriously welcome a laugh from her now. ]
[ Starved of sound on the dry days, the careless snap of twigs under her boots is as cathartic as twisting bubblewrap until it's burst flat. It peppers in among the cacophony of his breath, heavy and just as careless. She shirks off his apology with a scoff, warranted to stop and face him when he blurts his heart onto her heels. ]
I tried to stop that. [ For the fuck of pete, there's nothing to see in her that's worth the trouble. What few positive qualities she has, he can find in spades elsewhere, spring-like and sweet instead of fossilized beneath layer upon layer of bad shit -- which, honestly, he could get elsewhere too, if that's the appeal. She's not the only manipulative, sarcastic asshole around.
Jess fixes him with a watery glare, advancing a step lest he think he's made it on the list of things she's running away from. ] I killed you, for Christ's sake. Did you just forget about that?
[ at least it got her to stop, he can't help but think petulantly. but he nods at the statement, knowing that it's true; and bile rising in his throat because he'd tried to stop it too. he really had. but by the time he realized what this was between them -- it was already too damn late.
he opens his mouth to apologize again even if he knows she doesn't want it. would probably have anything else but his sorries. but he isn't quick enough and she's talking about what happened with kara like she stuck a knife in him herself. it wasn't like that and he has to set that record straight if nothing else. ]
You didn't kill me, Jess. [ it's soft, but his gruff voice carries easily through the rain anyway, especially with her advancing on him. his feet plant resolutely, body language clear: he's not going anywhere until they've hashed this out to the end. ] Kilgrave killed me. I know you feel responsible for everything that shitbag does, but you're not.
[ No, Kilgrave took him. Because she couldn't wait around long enough in the Reset Room for his number to come up, because she couldn't risk anyone else falling prey to the same fate. She couldn't trust the people who trusted her; he was the only exception and he'll keep on paying for it as long as he pursues her and probably, by now, even if he stops. Same goes for her. Somehow he became her second-in-command, somehow she became in command, a mistake she would rather die than make twice, if death were worth an actual damn.
Jess looks baffled by his attempt to clarify, an old puzzle piece to which none of these new ones correspond. ]
You don't get to pick and choose what I did and what he did to me based on how goddamn guilty you feel touching me. I'm not one of them. [ Not Faith, not Kara, not Frank Castle, though the move she pulled last night is probably in two-third's of their repertoires if not all three. ]
[ that one hurts, striking like a physical blow to his guts. but he forces himself to remain steady no matter how upset she gets. she deserves to lash out at him, because somehow it's all his fault. while criticizing her for taking things onto herself, he's actually the worst offender in that category and it's only made worse by the fact that he knows it. but if he let himself off the hook for things above his paygrade, that would mean he's actually helpless and that's simply unacceptable for a man like him. jessica of all people should know why. ]
I know you're not. [ it's impossibly soft, his eyes doughy to match. there's no insincerity to be found here, not that he's ever been anything but obnoxiously earnest with her anyway. he takes a shuffling step towards her in defiance - with his history if she honestly thinks he could develop feelings for someone he sees as a victim then she doesn't know him at all. and maybe that's somehow his fault, too. he'll take it on himself whether he could have prevented it or not. ] Your plan-- our plan, I was supposed to get away. That's on me for going down with the ship. And if she had just--
[ he starts to get angry and just as quickly deflates, letting out a breath as his shoulders drop and a hand comes up to pinch the hopelessly crooked bridge of his nose. kara is a problem unto herself, one they don't have the time nor the will to parse through today. that could easily waste the rainfall, but instead they're talking about his dumb feelings. they're both probably a waste, but he needs her to understand that it isn't what she thinks it is. ]
It doesn't matter. [ he rubs his eyes briefly before letting his hand drop again, leveling her with a serious stare. ] If you did kill me, it was to save them. It was worth it. [ or would have been if literally anyone had gotten with the program. ]
You like to pretend you don't give a fuck, but you do. I see it and I've been right here at your side, Jess. [ he points at the ground, and realizes how little space is between them anymore. ]
[ Jess crosses her arms, initially wracking her brain for a good excuse to let him talk. She comes up empty but allows his voice to fill the ensuing silence anyway. If it's the last time she's going to hear it, what does it matter if it's bullshit. Volleying blame around isn't getting them anywhere, each of them embodying the unstoppable force and immovable object interchangeably and to the fullest possible commitment. ]
So, what? [ She shrugs needlessly, casting her gaze off at the higher boughs surrounding them before steering it back to him, hard and skeptical. ] You think I don't care about you? [ He's not that fucking stupid but she'll grant it that he is that self-destructive, -loathing, all the other -hyphened psychological garbage they both reek of. But seriously ] Are you shitting me? [ She willingly brought him with her out here and not to murder. She's felt she exposed her predisposition towards him the second she told him she'd go. ]
[ any anger or righteousness he once felt he was rightfully on the side of disappears with that one outburst. he pushes a hand back through his wet hair, knocking his ineffectual hood off his head in the process. is she saying... what he thinks she is? he wants to blame himself for being thick on this one, but she tried, she said. at every turn she'd tried to shrug him off and go out of her way to tell him 'it didn't have to mean anything.' unless-- maybe he really is that stupid, after all. ]
I know you care. [ it's the 'about him' part that he can't reconcile, but even in times where she said she wanted him to leave her alone, she was still there - wasn't she? just as his own feelings, it's only in retrospect that he can even begin to see hers. frank shakes his head, suddenly acutely aware of his heart pounding in his chest and the blood rushing harshly through his ears. he just wants to go back, even a few hours would be enough. his hand reaches out until it connects with her arm, but it's barely even that in anticipation of being shrugged off. ] Don't go, okay? Please don't go.
[ it's pathetic and he knows it, but he can't stomach this being the last time they see each other. he needs her. ]
[ Her arms drop to her sides but, like neither of them are expecting, her shoulders don't shake him off. Jess strains to swallow, blinking rainwater off her eyelashes. ]
I'm scared. [ Jess stresses, spits, hisses it. It's a hideous feeling to have and uglier to own up to. It's constant toil to feel anything else through it and managing it has worn her down to the marrow. If he can't see her caring for him now, how can she promise to change? As if she doesn't want to, even for such a crappy, backwards reason. Anything is better than suspending herself in a living death, as relegated the back of her own life as she ever was on Kevin's arm.
Her abrupt switch to such a softness that the rainfall threatens to swallow it puts her off. Imperceptibly, among the shame she's already soaked in. ] It's never gonna stop. I don't know how to make it stop.
[ when she doesn't let go, he steps in the rest of the way, the toes of their boots matching up. he lives in terror, just as surely as she does - this place doesn't add or take any of that away from them. kilgrave being here only makes her fear more acute, and as ever he wishes he could take it away. but he can't, he's tried. all he can be is safe. safe to her and safe to himself are equally as important, he's only now coming to realize. his hand rubs up and down her arm, from slightly above her elbow to just below her shoulder - it's as much to comfort her as it is himself. ]
I know, I know. [ it's not okay and he can't say it is, but after another second's hesitation, he uses their point of contact to gently pull her in against his chest. initiating a hug used to feel so normal, and now it's like he doesn't even remember how. but he puts forth the effort because it's the only tool in his arsenal against the way jess feels now. it's a lame remedy, but it's what he wants to be for her. it's easier to show her than to tell her even when he sucks at both. ]
[ She stares over his shoulder and sure enough, they're still alone. Shudders start from her lungs so Jess steadies herself on him as though the threat isn't coming from inside. She holds him to her hard, glaring balefully through the forest leading back to Reims.
If she goes back, it means withholding distribution of the vaccine until Kilgrave can land himself in prison for inevitably abusing his ability. If it ever comes out that she did that, she'll deserve the witch hunt. The alternative is to postpone the inevitable for everyone's peace of mind but hers. Jess will know her choice instantly but she reels against thinking that far into it and whittling away the last splinter of control she has over herself. ]
I need more time. [ Jess stonily implores, lending no slack to her vice-like embrace. She wants him to stay. While he does, the future remains clouded. If he goes, Jess will never see him again as long as she lives -- and after she dies, his guess is as good as hers. ]
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She is reluctant to move, even to drink. That would be admitting a world exists outside of their living corpses, back the way they came. She wants to keep running away and nothing will stop her once her boots hit the ground. Jess closes her eyes, sating herself with the vow that as soon as she wakes up, she'll get packing. If she falls asleep at all. No sane part of her wants to, considering where it always ends, but she craves the dead space that precedes the nightmares. It's her (heavy use of sarcastic airquotes) "safe space". ]
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frank closes his eyes though no part of him is sleepy anymore. he merely longs for the blackness in the same way that she does -- a reprieve from his thoughts and fears for even two hours would be heaven. instead he's obnoxiously present in this moment, his fingers rubbing firmly down her arm now as he buries his face in her hair. he has no concern for how much they both need showers now, since those had been a pipedream months ago and long since forgotten anyway. his being near her is compulsory now, winding a calf around hers to anchor them both here. ]
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The pitter-patter of raindrops on the tarp around them jostles her awake before REM has a chance to fuck with her a second time. Nonetheless, Jess drinks in his solid muscle and safe heat wherever they press together: calf, thigh, stomach, chest. She can't feel one arm from the odd angle she slept on it, sort of not really wedged between them, but the other is still slung loose around his neck. Jess resists the groggy urge to whet her senses on him, drag her fingertips over to his skin, apprehensive it will sharpen her recall of the previous night -- or earlier morning. And make it harder to ignore she's thirstier than hell. ]
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even asleep he appreciates the way they fit. not to mention, it's much easier to ignore all the reasons they shouldn't do this when he isn't fully conscious. very slowly, her stirring is starting to bring him around, a tiny smile gripping his lips in a twitch as the rain slowly filters in past the veil too. raindays were sacred, and he cherished each and every one. as the last of the pleasant warmth leeches from his body and releases him into the waking world, frank hears a voice ringing loud and clear as day into his ear. "Morning, sleepyhead.." it's what finally gets to him, that brief smile dropping as he jerks away from her in a more reactionary way than he'd meant to.
it's just jess, his inner voice soothes. and then - wait for it - jess? what is she...? and then, finally, he starts to recognize what state he's in, their thighs still pressed tightly together so he knows she couldn't have missed it. his eyes light on hers in brief panic, knowing she'd let him pull away entirely, but a stubborn part of himself wants to remain. to see what she'll do with that information. it's not like she didn't already know he was attracted to her before, right? maybe it doesn't have to be as weird as he's building it up to be. ]
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Something in Frank nonetheless hears and he snaps to agreement, jarring her weight onto her sleeping arm so that she has to grip him to keep from falling onto her back. Her head dips down and Jess rubs at her eyes with the back of her wrist, a lot more perturbed by his jolt of revulsion than the evidence of his imagined attraction. Her throat cracks when she opens her mouth to apologize. (She expected to decide how sarcastically in the moment.) Instead, she wets her lips and shuts her mouth. All the liquid in her brain is still sloshing around too hard when she moves her head, or she would sit up and grab the whiskey. ]
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I-- [ his voice cracks, raspy and broken as he lets it drop there. rather than try to say anything, he rests his temple against hers and tries to get his bearings. his ankle catches and hooks on hers and he tries to start breathing normally again, talking his anatomy down to the best of his ability. ]
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Her shoulders crumple, the whisper of rainfall lulling away the drive she had last night. If they left any tracks or scents that could be picked up, it will stamp them out on the earth. They could stay here, if they were lovers. For an hour or two, if nothing else. Jess doesn't know if he wants that from her or what the word means to him to begin with. But he can do definitely better than someone who can't promise to be with him except for moment by moment, exploiting the ones she does have. In this one, she simply does what she knows she wants and nuzzles bluntly against him, nosing at his cheek. Her grip on his shirt remains steady and so does she. ]
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Jessica... [ it's just as embarrassing and ridiculously breathy in quality, but at least he got it out. it's the rest of the words that he has to convince now. except while he's still mulling them over, he can't resist the urge to brush a soft, tender kiss against the rise of her cheek. ]
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With a relenting sigh, her grasp is flattened against him, palm to his collar. Jess leans back to give him the space he needs to continue, though she can't provide much without losing balance. She forces herself to look at him, and maybe it's the hangover, or that she has nothing to lose anymore, but it isn't as hard as it usually is. ]
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I don't want to... [ hook up. it sounds so juvenile. he can't force the phrase past his lips. can't he just go back to holding her and pretend it doesn't mean anything despite the way his heartbeat quickens impossibly even now? ] With you.
[ which sounded less like a rejection in his head, and now he just looks perplexed by the way it had come out. he shakes his head, trying to walk it back, but he isn't sure how to replace the words when they're true to a fault. ]
Sorry, nevermind. I know you don't care. [ about me. he didn't want her to, did he? he feels stupid, like when he played that song in the park and maria had heard. he cares what she thinks of him, he always has. one hand has slid to the small of her back, keeping her from slipping, or at least that's his convenient excuse for the proprietary tinge the action holds. ]
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His backpedaling is meaningless chatter. She doesn't care what people think. That's true, or she'd have told them all she did her half-assed best to kill herself, honest. Apparently she cares what he thinks beyond his blind acquiescence to any plan she declares necessary, and talk about the crappiest way to find out. Then again, there's thinking about someone, and then there's secretly reducing them to their victimhood throughout the course of your acquaintance. ]
-kay.
[ No sound escapes the dry, sticky cavern of her throat at first, but the second syllable scrapes past, barely audible. Since she's already nauseous, Jess starts to gather herself, pushing off the bedroll. She lets the fluids in her brain and stomach level out again before shifting forward to grab her boots and jam them on, then the whiskey bottle as she crawls out into the rain. ]
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frank digs through his pack for his jacket, pulling the hood over his face first before buttoning it closed. and then he's going for the flask he squirreled away, taking a swig from it before pocketing it and hunching his way back to the entrance of the tent so he can find her. the whole process takes maybe a minute, but he feels like he's moving in slow motion, and like he'll never catch up. he's lost her forever, surely, and the thought fills him with unencumbered dread.
the rain is cool and fresh on his skin, even comforting after a longer dry spell than usual. he blinks it out of his eyes to keep them peeled for any sign of her, not noticing the deep creases in his face that display his worry all too clearly. ] Jess? [ he calls above the growing confidence of the rain's din all around them, turning this way and that to catch a glimpse of black hair, ears pricked for the slosh of a bottle or the stomp of her boots. ]
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Not least of which is that he let her kiss him in that dumbass treehouse he probably built. It doesn't make any sense, if he values the ideal of protecting her so goddamn much. Unless he thought rejecting her would hurt her more, in which case he chose the path of least resistance for "her" wellbeing. Did he ever want her at all then? Did he think she wanted to use him to that extent even if he didn't?
A branch snags on her hair, not for the first time, but Jess snaps and rips the branch down with barely a grunt. When no monster zooms in to sweep her back into Kevin's arms, she kicks it to halves and it's his ribs splintering all over her boots. ]
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when he appears it's with heaving breath, heart pounding fast as he struggles to draw oxygen back into his lungs. when he catches sight of her at last, he takes in the familiar scene. it's almost comforting for how expected it is. if only he could stop pissing her off instead, that would be a much more productive way to spend the rain time. ]
Jessica, please... [ hear him out? even if he really sucks at talking, he knows it's Time. he steels himself to prepare for how seriously dumb and dramatic this confession is going to taste. ] Stay.
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If he can keep up, he can talk. He can see her fists, he knows the risks. ]
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I'm sorry. [ he should really start there because he is, for literally all of it. witnessing her murder, making her a sandwich, giving her his jacket, saving faith, saving kara. there's literally nothing he isn't sorry for, up to and including getting so wrapped up in every kid's life here that he's indistinguishable from the lot of them. but all of that is easily pushed aside for easily the worst offense. frank bites into his lip harshly and tries to think of the least dumb way to just blurt it out, because he doesn't have much air and she doesn't have any patience left, so he knows he has to be fast. ] I think I-- [ it's not a nebulous maybe anymore and he shoves the wording aside, knowing him being wishy-washy won't do them any favors. this is it. he's just going to say it. god, but he feels dumb. ]
I have feelings for you. [ and once it's out in the bluntness of day - he selfishly feels better. he doesn't have any delusions that he will for long, but he really wasn't sure he'd be able to say it. right now at least he doesn't have to worry about her rejection or ridicule. she's already livid so it isn't like he can make it worse (right???) and besides, a side of him would seriously welcome a laugh from her now. ]
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I tried to stop that. [ For the fuck of pete, there's nothing to see in her that's worth the trouble. What few positive qualities she has, he can find in spades elsewhere, spring-like and sweet instead of fossilized beneath layer upon layer of bad shit -- which, honestly, he could get elsewhere too, if that's the appeal. She's not the only manipulative, sarcastic asshole around.
Jess fixes him with a watery glare, advancing a step lest he think he's made it on the list of things she's running away from. ] I killed you, for Christ's sake. Did you just forget about that?
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he opens his mouth to apologize again even if he knows she doesn't want it. would probably have anything else but his sorries. but he isn't quick enough and she's talking about what happened with kara like she stuck a knife in him herself. it wasn't like that and he has to set that record straight if nothing else. ]
You didn't kill me, Jess. [ it's soft, but his gruff voice carries easily through the rain anyway, especially with her advancing on him. his feet plant resolutely, body language clear: he's not going anywhere until they've hashed this out to the end. ] Kilgrave killed me. I know you feel responsible for everything that shitbag does, but you're not.
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Jess looks baffled by his attempt to clarify, an old puzzle piece to which none of these new ones correspond. ]
You don't get to pick and choose what I did and what he did to me based on how goddamn guilty you feel touching me. I'm not one of them. [ Not Faith, not Kara, not Frank Castle, though the move she pulled last night is probably in two-third's of their repertoires if not all three. ]
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I know you're not. [ it's impossibly soft, his eyes doughy to match. there's no insincerity to be found here, not that he's ever been anything but obnoxiously earnest with her anyway. he takes a shuffling step towards her in defiance - with his history if she honestly thinks he could develop feelings for someone he sees as a victim then she doesn't know him at all. and maybe that's somehow his fault, too. he'll take it on himself whether he could have prevented it or not. ] Your plan-- our plan, I was supposed to get away. That's on me for going down with the ship. And if she had just--
[ he starts to get angry and just as quickly deflates, letting out a breath as his shoulders drop and a hand comes up to pinch the hopelessly crooked bridge of his nose. kara is a problem unto herself, one they don't have the time nor the will to parse through today. that could easily waste the rainfall, but instead they're talking about his dumb feelings. they're both probably a waste, but he needs her to understand that it isn't what she thinks it is. ]
It doesn't matter. [ he rubs his eyes briefly before letting his hand drop again, leveling her with a serious stare. ] If you did kill me, it was to save them. It was worth it. [ or would have been if literally anyone had gotten with the program. ]
You like to pretend you don't give a fuck, but you do. I see it and I've been right here at your side, Jess. [ he points at the ground, and realizes how little space is between them anymore. ]
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So, what? [ She shrugs needlessly, casting her gaze off at the higher boughs surrounding them before steering it back to him, hard and skeptical. ] You think I don't care about you? [ He's not that fucking stupid but she'll grant it that he is that self-destructive, -loathing, all the other -hyphened psychological garbage they both reek of. But seriously ] Are you shitting me? [ She willingly brought him with her out here and not to murder. She's felt she exposed her predisposition towards him the second she told him she'd go. ]
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I know you care. [ it's the 'about him' part that he can't reconcile, but even in times where she said she wanted him to leave her alone, she was still there - wasn't she? just as his own feelings, it's only in retrospect that he can even begin to see hers. frank shakes his head, suddenly acutely aware of his heart pounding in his chest and the blood rushing harshly through his ears. he just wants to go back, even a few hours would be enough. his hand reaches out until it connects with her arm, but it's barely even that in anticipation of being shrugged off. ] Don't go, okay? Please don't go.
[ it's pathetic and he knows it, but he can't stomach this being the last time they see each other. he needs her. ]
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I'm scared. [ Jess stresses, spits, hisses it. It's a hideous feeling to have and uglier to own up to. It's constant toil to feel anything else through it and managing it has worn her down to the marrow. If he can't see her caring for him now, how can she promise to change? As if she doesn't want to, even for such a crappy, backwards reason. Anything is better than suspending herself in a living death, as relegated the back of her own life as she ever was on Kevin's arm.
Her abrupt switch to such a softness that the rainfall threatens to swallow it puts her off. Imperceptibly, among the shame she's already soaked in. ] It's never gonna stop. I don't know how to make it stop.
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I know, I know. [ it's not okay and he can't say it is, but after another second's hesitation, he uses their point of contact to gently pull her in against his chest. initiating a hug used to feel so normal, and now it's like he doesn't even remember how. but he puts forth the effort because it's the only tool in his arsenal against the way jess feels now. it's a lame remedy, but it's what he wants to be for her. it's easier to show her than to tell her even when he sucks at both. ]
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If she goes back, it means withholding distribution of the vaccine until Kilgrave can land himself in prison for inevitably abusing his ability. If it ever comes out that she did that, she'll deserve the witch hunt. The alternative is to postpone the inevitable for everyone's peace of mind but hers. Jess will know her choice instantly but she reels against thinking that far into it and whittling away the last splinter of control she has over herself. ]
I need more time. [ Jess stonily implores, lending no slack to her vice-like embrace. She wants him to stay. While he does, the future remains clouded. If he goes, Jess will never see him again as long as she lives -- and after she dies, his guess is as good as hers. ]
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