[ he's all too willing to have his own bullshit fucked up if it keeps her in the clear. and so they both throw him squarely under the bus. it helps that he knows enough to be angry about what happened to her, but the truth is he'd do it anyway. still, the way she asks has his eyes lighting on hers, wondering if she wants to know. he'd be surprised if she did. but she asked so he's going to tell her. because he told her he'd always be honest. ]

Because I've only ever... I've only ever made love to one woman, Jess. I slept with girls, in school. Just fooling around really, but it wasn't like her. No one was ever like her. [ he pulls in a sharp breath through his nose and hates himself. and then he'd met jess. and they had done... whatever it is they had done. he still cares for her a lot. he wants her right now despite ruining the mood. it shouldn't be complicated but everything he does is just because it's him. ]

And I thought that was gonna be it for me. We were in it for the long haul, you know? I'm not saying we had the perfect marriage, hell. Not even close. We were vicious to each other, but. [ frank shakes his head. he probably shouldn't say the rest. ] I don't want to think about her when I'm with you like that. I know it's... [ like that for her, in a way. maybe it's worse. who could say? ]

I say your name to remind myself I'm here with you. I want to be here with you. [ maria's hand, reaching out to him. he'd dropped it. he'd chosen to live. this is his cross to bear, and he's made it jess' by extension without meaning to. ]