[ Jess listens to him rant and rail, words beating at her head until they break through. her fingers curl at the crown of her scalp, tugging her hair at the roots and tangling it between her knuckles. now what the fuck is he saying? and if it shouldn't matter anyway then why is making herself listen so gruelling? before he gets to the question, an answer hits her with the subtlety of a freight train: god, the last time he went off, it hurt so much.
she does hate herself, for letting him have that amount of influence not in how she reacts, but in how she feels. for spending over a week hacking that pain into manageable pieces and stowing them in the familiar hiding spots of her other issues. for opening her mouth as she's about to and ridding herself of the most rancid thing to root inside her ]
I'm never going to be like her. [ it's a stony mumble as she releases her head, arms dropping. in some ways, she already is, enough to lure him to her in the first place, to smack him with that serendipity moment in the coffee shop, but it will never enough to satisfy him and he may not be able to stop himself from wanting it. there's no one to blame for any of this and that's the hardest part to deal with. it makes sense to put it on herself when she consistently fails to find comfort in or even recall his reassurance that Jess is who he chooses when confronted with the memory of a woman capable of so much more than she is. ]
no subject
she does hate herself, for letting him have that amount of influence not in how she reacts, but in how she feels. for spending over a week hacking that pain into manageable pieces and stowing them in the familiar hiding spots of her other issues. for opening her mouth as she's about to and ridding herself of the most rancid thing to root inside her ]
I'm never going to be like her. [ it's a stony mumble as she releases her head, arms dropping. in some ways, she already is, enough to lure him to her in the first place, to smack him with that serendipity moment in the coffee shop, but it will never enough to satisfy him and he may not be able to stop himself from wanting it. there's no one to blame for any of this and that's the hardest part to deal with. it makes sense to put it on herself when she consistently fails to find comfort in or even recall his reassurance that Jess is who he chooses when confronted with the memory of a woman capable of so much more than she is. ]